Gawdzilla!

Zojimo (Insikticus Oslobanonicus), an ancient creature which feeds off radiation and radioactive material, joins his offspring, a MUTO–Massively Uh . . . Uttractive Terrestrial Organism codenamed Hamburjiro, in witnessing “the world’s most famous monster pitted against malevolent creatures who, bolstered by humanity’s scientific arrogance, threaten our very existence. A story of human courage and reconciliation in the face of the titanic forces of nature, where the awe-inspiring Godzilla rises to restore balance as humans stand defenseless.”

While these creatures proved the Theory of Natural Selection and lay waste to San Francisco in collateral damage, I laid waste to a Super cup of Green Tea from Tater’s and an entire day’s caloric requirement worth of T.G.I. Friday’s Cheddar & Bacon Potato Skins . . . paving the way for the movie spinoff sequel, FATZILLA.

I drink like a camel so I get the Super (size) cup of Green Tea from Tater’s as my movie staple. I love tea in general. This one has that authentic brewed bitterness that bathes the tastebuds and that I can somehow taste on my teeth cut subtly by a slight sweetness that I would like to think is Stevia. One of the draws here is the label, sugar-free.

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I skipped the usual large bag of popcorn for a monster bag of T.G.I Friday’s Cheddar & Bacon Potato Skins. The chips had enough of a crunch to mindlessly much on along the guttural animal screams of the Stegosaurian and the mutant Madagascar Roaches without distracting my equally monstrous seatmates from their viewing pleasure. It had the pungent smokiness of bacon and the overwhelmingly sharp smell of aged cheddar, an olfactory compliment to the assault of their respective savory flavors.

Pops said he liked this better than the last one he saw…the original, Japanese-language one. I referred him to the ’98 take where the lizard sported a slimmer profile with killer quads and runner’s calves. Its diet of helicopters and tanks was high on carbon fiber and pretty low carb. G’14 ‘got a potbelly and cankles. No one watches epic monster movies and expects to get moved by any of the acting but lead Aaron Taylor-Johnson did have moments with Godzilla where they locked eyes in meaningful connection. Twice and to the dramatic swell of music. That made me want to egg them to get a room.

The perpetual kid within having enjoyed all that mindless action, I later realized that Pops tricked me into paying for the tickets and snacks on the pretense that I secure those in time for the screening while he parked the car. Well, deception is very primal animal. Well played on Darwin’s cards. Well played.

Tater’s is conveniently located behind the ticket office of the Ayala Center Cinemas. T.G.I Friday’s Cheddar & Bacon Potato Skins is from S&R Membership Shopping.

Zojimo is a play on my dad’s name Zosimo, Hamburjiro is the MUTO name of my alter ego, Hamburgero. Do follow me on Facebook: facebook.com/hamburgero, Twitter: @hamburgero, and Instagram: @thehamburgero

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